Go Ahead, Argue

Avoiding arguments does a marriage no favors, according to recent research. Although couples fight when their marriages are failing, research suggests that arguments are not in themselves symptoms of bad marriages; rather, it is destructive arguments that bring couples down. Quarrelling well is the best remedy.

Every argument has one virtue: like a volcano, it releases pressure. Some rows are cathartic, others make fine foreplay. Many also uncover a point of conflict, clarifying feelings about issues and communicating them unambiguously to a spouse.

If a couple knows how to argue well, their marriage will improve. Marriage expert John Gottman concluded from his extensive studies of newlyweds that those who started their marriage refusing to tolerate "negativity --- those who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, the other was contemptuous or defensive – wound up happy and satisfied years later."